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Supporting children’s emotional wellbeing is at the heart of both learning and overall wellbeing. At Dover Court International School, we understand that when children feel safe, connected, and understood, they are better able to thrive – academically, socially, and emotionally.
In this practical guide, Rebecca Murray, Occupational Therapist at Dover Court, explores the concept of co-regulation and its role in supporting children manage overwhelming emotions while fostering awareness and confidence around skills that are meaningful in everyday life. Whether at home or in school, these insights offer valuable strategies for parents and caregivers navigating everyday challenges.
Written by Rebecca Murray, Occupational Therapist at Dover Court International School
Co-regulation is never about suppressing emotions. It is about providing the right amount of support and connection to help a child feel safe, understood, and supported through their experience.
The Pre Frontal Cortex (front part of the brain’s frontal lobe) continues to develop and mature until a person’s mid-20s. The PFC is responsible for executive functions, including emotional control/ regulation.
Dysregulation does not usually come from an isolated incident; stressors often build up quietly in the background until a child’s nervous system becomes overwhelmed. Examples can include:
When considering a regulated vs dysregulated nervous system, the Spoon Theory offers a helpful perspective. This metaphor suggests that each person begins the day with a certain number of ‘spoons’, representing the energy available for learning, social interactions, sensory experiences and managing emotions. Throughout the day, different demands use up spoons, while supportive experiences can help replenish them. When a child has fewer spoons available, a change, challenge or unexpected event may feel much harder to manage. Viewing dysregulation through this lens can help us respond with understanding and support, focusing on helping a child recharge rather than simply expecting them to try harder.
When we experience overwhelm, we often need someone to sit alongside our experience rather than trying to immediately change or fix it.
The Match-Mirror-Move framework identifies effective co-regulation as an adult being truly present. This approach creates a safe and authentic atmosphere. Developed by Kim Barthel, this framework helps us understand how we can support children when their nervous systems are overwhelmed.
Match (Feel)
This first stage of Kim’s framework involves noticing the child’s words, body state, and energy level, and meeting them where they are. By doing this, we show the child that we are present with them and available to help.
Mirror (Act)
“I see you.” “I understand.” To mirror means to reflect the experience the child is having through your tone of voice, body language, and presence. This stage demonstrates attunement and connection, without judgement or expectation.
Move (Shift)
The “Move” stage is not about forcing calm or compliance. It is about providing gentle invitations to shift, while respecting the child’s readiness and autonomy. The shift may be in their perspective, level of arousal, regulation, sense of safety, or whatever they are experiencing that is creating challenge in that moment.
Language to support co-regulation:
When it is appropriate to use language, the examples above can be helpful. Sometimes, however, a child may need our calm presence more than our words. If you are unable to access supportive language in the moment, saying less is often better than saying something that may unintentionally dismiss or escalate the child’s experience. Phrases such as, “Stop crying”, “Calm down”, “Use your words”, “It’s not a big problem”, “You know this already” increase feelings of shame, disconnection and distress.
Tools that may support during co-regulation:
A regulated nervous system looks different for everyone. One child may be quiet and moving their body, while another may be humming and sitting still. There is no one size fits all when thinking about regulation.
Remember, sometimes co-regulating can feel impossible, and it may seem as though nothing you are saying or doing is helping; this does not mean you have failed. Nervous systems are complex, and regulation is not linear.
Just as children benefit from trusted adults to co-regulate with, adults do too. Finding strategies, relationships, and spaces that support our own regulation is equally important as educators and parents.
And remember, connection before correction & reflection, always.
Co-regulation is a powerful, compassionate approach that strengthens relationships while helping children build emotional resilience. By staying present, responsive, and attuned, we give children the foundation they need to eventually regulate independently.
At Dover Court International School, we are committed to nurturing the whole child – supporting not just academic achievement, but emotional wellbeing and development. By working together as educators and families, we can create environments where every child feels safe, understood, and ready to thrive.